Party of One

I'm not some sort of lunatic. Really, I'm not. I'm just a (not so) normal teenage girl who needs to feel like her voice is being heard. I'm not trying to get people to feel bad for me. That's actually quite the opposite. I'm just trying to get the point across that sometimes listening to people really is the best way to save them. I don't think people do enough listening.

If people would really listen to me, I wouldn't have made this blog now would I?

I'm also not trying to diss anyone via this blog. If you haven't noticed, I made an entire post about how much I love my friends. So...they have their faults. So I wish sometimes they'd be there for me more or that they'd text every once in a while. I have my faults, too. Everyone does. People just need to listen. They have to.

I'm irritated. I can't tell of what yet but I know that I am. When I get irritated I feel like there's this tornado brewing in my stomach and it wants to vacuum out any reason or logic in me and just go nuts! But then again I don't think that's such a bad thing. Maybe everyone needs to go a little crazy sometimes. Just go to the top of a park and scream your freaking brains out to get all pent up frustration out of it. It helps to go crazy every once in a while. It's just when you're crazy too much when things get a little chaotic.

I was talking to a friend the other night and I came up with something in my opinion really freaking poetic. Basically, it goes as follows: "If people give their hearts away, it's not fair that they still feel the pain when people break it-" I know it sounds a bit emo but it was a thought that crossed my mind that I felt had to be shared.

Do me a favor, if you take nothing else out of this...can you at least pass this link on? I don't know who's reading this...and frankly I really don't know if anyone at all is even taking it seriously  But if you could, at least spread the word and pass it on. I went around school the other day. Posted up post-it-notes about this blog. At first I wasn't going to do that when I initially made this blog only because I wanted it to be as anonymous as possible, but then I realized I really want people to read it. To listen to me. It's not everyday that you get to anonymously post up your thoughts and feelings and not only have people read it, but also not judge you for it. Mostly because no one knows who I am. You can try to figure it out. And if you know me, you might be able to figure it out even faster. I just need the reassurance someone out there is listening.

If This Were a Movie, We'd Still Be Friends

I wish this were about a boy.

It isn't.

I miss you. You were my best friend. You still are.

I take back everything if it would mean we could be friends again. Because you were my everything.

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

I don't think there really is such a thing as working too hard. I might be saying this only because in my mind there's always something that I could be doing. I have this planner, you see, and everyday I write down everything I need to do. And that's all I do.

No matter how much I do I always think I could be doing more. You know? I sit down for 5 minutes to rest my head or respond to a couple of text messages and a little freak is screaming in the back of my head going "You know, that pretty girl in your math class who won't stop smiling? She's probably looking over her flashcards right now. She's studying for SATS and what are you doing? Telling one of your friends why you like Kirk better than Picard. You sicken me."

I'm not some sort of OCD freak. Really, I'm not. Compared to one of my friends I'm actually quite 'Chill'. However, I do have these mini panic attacks...anxiety attacks...freak episodes....call it what you want, I freak out.

Grades are not my life. They really aren't. Do I care? Yes. But if it were my choice I'd sit down on my couch and take a day or two out of a week to watch TV and movies. Or hey! How about this? Actually hang out with my friends-if they remember I still exist.

I'm starting to sound a bit petty, aren't I? Look, the point of this is just to say I think I'm overworking myself but does this mean I'm going to stop? No. I can't. Life doesn't stop because you want it to. And believe me when I say, I want it to. The little freak in my head won't have control my entire life. But until I figure out what I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life, it'll keep nagging me to work harder. Do better. Be smarter. Study for just 10 more minutes.

I had a headache today. Wouldn't go away from the moment I woke up to me deciding to open up my laptop and write this. It wasn't a migraine, but it was one of those lazy in the afternoon feelings you get after a long day at school where all you want to do is sleep. I had that all day and I have no idea why.

I should go to sleep now. Whoever's reading this, if anyone is reading this, I bid you a goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the little freaks bite.

The Lunch Table

Once upon a time I would walk by our spot and I would see you all there one by one during lunch. We would squeeze into a table, and we would be happy. Then I started going to our spot and even though we no longer had a table, we would still be in the spot. That was all that really mattered to me. Then I would walk by the spot and she was gone because she would rather be with her boyfriend. They left because they would rather hang with their other friends. She moved away and some people just disappeared. Then she moved...and she transferred...she got a boyfriend and he had other places to go. And then they left. And today I walked by that spot...our spot...and I saw no one. And what did I do?

I walked past it, too. 

The Bluest Moon

So last night was a blue moon. In fact, it was the last blue moon until 2015. At first glance it was nothing really all that special. In fact, I had to explain to some of my friends yesterday what a blue moon even was because I guess not very many people know about it. To most people in the world, it was just another full moon.

But to me it wasn't. A blue moon is rare. And therefore should be appreciated.

I was staring up at it and the only thing that I could think about was the next time I'd see a blue moon. 2015 I'll be 19 years old. I'll be out of high school. And that's so strange to think about. The next time I lay my eyes on the second full moon of the month, I'll be a completely different person.

I'm sad not very many people appreciated the blue moon like I did. I mean, sure, it was just an average moon but to think that not even my science loving of a friend could appreciate how special it truly was.

Well,moon. You were special to me.



 

Too Tired To Miss You Properly

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now. But I'm not. I keep stalling and getting distracted like normal teenagers do. I call it the Facebook Syndrome....you go on it to check something and the next thing you know you're clicking on profiles left and right.

I haven't heard from this person in a while
I wonder how he's doing
Wow, it's his birthday? I can't believe it-
I didn't realize this guy was so funny...

I stumbled upon her page. And boy, do I miss her. She was putting up a post talking about how much she misses summer, I'm thinking in my head how much I miss her.

School's been going by generally fast. I'm sort of just going through the motions hoping to make it by. But I can't help but slow down for a bit and think about the days when school was an adventure, not a chore. When I couldn't wait to get home to do my homework and I actually had time to read a book. When my friends were my battery that kept me going, and not just mere pictures posted up on Facebook...

I know, I sound like one of those creeps that spends more time looking at other people's lives on Facebook than making one of my own, and that's more or less true. Look, I'm not trying to come off as some psychologically messed up nostalgic freak. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down. Someone needs to listen to me...

Life is going too fast. We're 16 years old and all we can think about is derivatives and college and SATS and band. Stop! Please, just stop. For once just literally stop to smell the fucking roses. No, that doesn't mean go do pot and get high! It means stop to breathe. This is supposedly the time of our lives and after high school we're considered adults. We have to pay taxes and people start getting married and before we know it we're going to be 33 years old with a quarter of our lives over with a baby in a crib. I don't want my life to fly past on Facebook. I don't. I miss her. I miss her so much. She was the closest thing I ever had to a best friend and she's gone. All three of them are gone. I just wish people would see that it's not our grades or our sleep that's so precious, it's our friends. In two years I may never see any of them again. And I can't accept that.

Not yet.

Peacefully Tired

This next entry is going to be a bit shorter than the others. Only because I am so tired at the moment. I don't have much to tell you anyways. I think the only thing I really need to tell you is that I woke up this morning and thought to myself...you know what? Everything is going to be Ok. And I mean it, too. This isn't me trying to self improve myself. I really have, even if for a brief time, have gotten rid of my constant worries and for the meantime just relax.

I mean, nothing spectacular has happened either. I don't know I just feel normal. Like it's the start of a brand new day. And it only took 1,460 days for tomorrow to come.

Thanks Annie, for your wise words of optimistic advice. But I got it from here.

The sun is out, and I'm loving it.

Here comes the sun...
Here comes the sun...
And I say...It's alright

My Vague Contradictions

Friends...what can I say about my friends? First of all, I can say that a lot of them probably don't deserve a friend like me. And I can say that with full modesty. Of course, I also don't deserve friends like them in return, so I guess in a way, we're even.

My friends are, in every sense of the word, some of the best and worst people I know. They have the worst good intentions and the best fails. They're obnoxiously smart, and terribly loving. I don't know what I appreciate more, the fact that most of them love me unconditionally, or the fact that they rarely show it.

I'm a lot smarter and craftier than my friends give me credit for. In a way I guess I appreciate that. Only because in retrospect, i don't give a fuck how smart they think I am. As long as they think I'm nice and a good friend that's all that matters to me. In fact, I wouldn't care if they truly thought I was the clumsiest, good-for-nothing, stupid bimbo they sometimes joke about me being. I just really wish they'd realize how much I truly care about them.

My life revolves around them. My friends are....my life. Literally. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be who I am today. They've saved my life in more ways and more times than they will ever know. It's hard....me trying to express to you how much my friends mean to me through vague words on the Internet. You don't know me and you have no idea who they are. All you need to know is that they will show up in this blog a lot.

In case any of my friends are reading this....just know how much you've made a difference in my life. In the best of ways. And that's not sarcasm. I would be lost without you.

Infinite

I've never really had an online diary before and I don't really know how this works. All I know is that this should help me get my thoughts and feelings out. That sounds sort of geeky, I know. I don't know who's reading this at the moment, all I know is that I feel better knowing that someone out there is. I need to know that someone is listening. 

It's important that you know that I'm in band. In fact, right now I'm currently in the middle of band camp. If you don't know what that is, it's a week where a high school marching band goes to stand under a hot sun on the football field and sweat their skin off. It's one of the few forms of torture that's consider legal nowadays.

On Sunday, I went to an amusement park. I'm not going to tell you where because I don't want anyone to know who I am. I need this to be anonymous. I'm not ashamed of anything I do or say, I just don't want anyone I know to maybe stumble upon this one day and figure out who I am just by process of elimination. 

At the park, I had an amazing last day before band camp. At around 10:00 at night, our driver needed to go home. And as my last hoorah before my summer was technically over, we begged the driver to let us ride one last roller coaster. And he let us. And so we did.

Words cannot describe how amazing that last thrill felt. I felt as though, in all forms of the word, I was infinite. I just recently read the book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower which would maybe explain my sudden urge to want to write a journal in the hope that someone is reading it. The main character could not have picked a better word in the English dictionary to explain how I felt Sunday night.

It was about 78 degrees or so. Maybe a bit colder. The cart that we were in was G6. Yes, that's right. "Fly like a G6". When I got in, I could feel all this adrenaline bursting through my veins. It was like a drug. I couldn't have smiled any bigger if someone put a banana in my mouth. I can still remember the rush I felt when the ride started and all I could think about was flying. And as we were climbing the top of that first drop, my brain started whizzing about like it does sometimes. I thought about my friends, my family, school, the past week, everything. And then as we started heading down, I thought of nothing. All I could think of, was the wind in my hair and how much fun I was having. The ride felt endless. The lights on the coaster, the screams, the moon, the city all around us. I was flying.

All of my memories of this past summer, will be from last week. Not only the amusement park, but the beach. The nights spent at the school. Roasting marshmallows. Watching the stars. Everything. It was a week that was perfect. Although there were some dramatic moments...the good memories made the bad ones seem not so important anymore. And in a way I wish every week could feel like that. 

I wish I could feel infinite every week.