Nowadays

I know I haven't written on here in a while. I feel like I should just to get my mind off of things. I can't sleep. I have this...urge to do something....I just don't know what.
I started looking back at some old fan fiction stories and I wanted to cry. I miss middle school. Somehow, I feel like even though I'm more mature now than I was back then, I was more alive in the past. I was nerdier...I was funnier....I was more outgoing. Most importantly, I looked forward to a bright future. Nowadays I'm dull...and lonely. I have a boyfriend, whom I love, and friends, whom I love, but somehow I don't feel like myself anymore like I did before. I feel empty. Like there's a part of me that's gone.

When I was younger I had obsessions. I would read senselessly and write almost everyday. My life revolved around the internet and I was alive with such passion and such a feeling of wanting to just have fun and be myself. And then I grew the fuck up. Now I have a lot of friends who still attach themselves to the computer like they depend on it. But me? I don't feel anything anymore.

Gone are the days of texting until 2:00 in the morning because I'm roleplaying with a friend. Gone are the show binges and straining my eyes to watch anime. Gone are the days of breathing in comic books and writing until my fingers are sore.

Nowadays I'm thinking about the future...I watch television re runs and I prepare myself for the life I hold in the future. I look at my room which is a 4 walled scrapbook of my adolescence and I can't help but think I'm looking at my life through someone else's eyes.

Am I just growing up? Does this happen to everyone? And even if I did...did I lose myself in the process??

Party of One

I'm not some sort of lunatic. Really, I'm not. I'm just a (not so) normal teenage girl who needs to feel like her voice is being heard. I'm not trying to get people to feel bad for me. That's actually quite the opposite. I'm just trying to get the point across that sometimes listening to people really is the best way to save them. I don't think people do enough listening.

If people would really listen to me, I wouldn't have made this blog now would I?

I'm also not trying to diss anyone via this blog. If you haven't noticed, I made an entire post about how much I love my friends. So...they have their faults. So I wish sometimes they'd be there for me more or that they'd text every once in a while. I have my faults, too. Everyone does. People just need to listen. They have to.

I'm irritated. I can't tell of what yet but I know that I am. When I get irritated I feel like there's this tornado brewing in my stomach and it wants to vacuum out any reason or logic in me and just go nuts! But then again I don't think that's such a bad thing. Maybe everyone needs to go a little crazy sometimes. Just go to the top of a park and scream your freaking brains out to get all pent up frustration out of it. It helps to go crazy every once in a while. It's just when you're crazy too much when things get a little chaotic.

I was talking to a friend the other night and I came up with something in my opinion really freaking poetic. Basically, it goes as follows: "If people give their hearts away, it's not fair that they still feel the pain when people break it-" I know it sounds a bit emo but it was a thought that crossed my mind that I felt had to be shared.

Do me a favor, if you take nothing else out of this...can you at least pass this link on? I don't know who's reading this...and frankly I really don't know if anyone at all is even taking it seriously  But if you could, at least spread the word and pass it on. I went around school the other day. Posted up post-it-notes about this blog. At first I wasn't going to do that when I initially made this blog only because I wanted it to be as anonymous as possible, but then I realized I really want people to read it. To listen to me. It's not everyday that you get to anonymously post up your thoughts and feelings and not only have people read it, but also not judge you for it. Mostly because no one knows who I am. You can try to figure it out. And if you know me, you might be able to figure it out even faster. I just need the reassurance someone out there is listening.

If This Were a Movie, We'd Still Be Friends

I wish this were about a boy.

It isn't.

I miss you. You were my best friend. You still are.

I take back everything if it would mean we could be friends again. Because you were my everything.

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

I don't think there really is such a thing as working too hard. I might be saying this only because in my mind there's always something that I could be doing. I have this planner, you see, and everyday I write down everything I need to do. And that's all I do.

No matter how much I do I always think I could be doing more. You know? I sit down for 5 minutes to rest my head or respond to a couple of text messages and a little freak is screaming in the back of my head going "You know, that pretty girl in your math class who won't stop smiling? She's probably looking over her flashcards right now. She's studying for SATS and what are you doing? Telling one of your friends why you like Kirk better than Picard. You sicken me."

I'm not some sort of OCD freak. Really, I'm not. Compared to one of my friends I'm actually quite 'Chill'. However, I do have these mini panic attacks...anxiety attacks...freak episodes....call it what you want, I freak out.

Grades are not my life. They really aren't. Do I care? Yes. But if it were my choice I'd sit down on my couch and take a day or two out of a week to watch TV and movies. Or hey! How about this? Actually hang out with my friends-if they remember I still exist.

I'm starting to sound a bit petty, aren't I? Look, the point of this is just to say I think I'm overworking myself but does this mean I'm going to stop? No. I can't. Life doesn't stop because you want it to. And believe me when I say, I want it to. The little freak in my head won't have control my entire life. But until I figure out what I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life, it'll keep nagging me to work harder. Do better. Be smarter. Study for just 10 more minutes.

I had a headache today. Wouldn't go away from the moment I woke up to me deciding to open up my laptop and write this. It wasn't a migraine, but it was one of those lazy in the afternoon feelings you get after a long day at school where all you want to do is sleep. I had that all day and I have no idea why.

I should go to sleep now. Whoever's reading this, if anyone is reading this, I bid you a goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the little freaks bite.

The Lunch Table

Once upon a time I would walk by our spot and I would see you all there one by one during lunch. We would squeeze into a table, and we would be happy. Then I started going to our spot and even though we no longer had a table, we would still be in the spot. That was all that really mattered to me. Then I would walk by the spot and she was gone because she would rather be with her boyfriend. They left because they would rather hang with their other friends. She moved away and some people just disappeared. Then she moved...and she transferred...she got a boyfriend and he had other places to go. And then they left. And today I walked by that spot...our spot...and I saw no one. And what did I do?

I walked past it, too. 

The Bluest Moon

So last night was a blue moon. In fact, it was the last blue moon until 2015. At first glance it was nothing really all that special. In fact, I had to explain to some of my friends yesterday what a blue moon even was because I guess not very many people know about it. To most people in the world, it was just another full moon.

But to me it wasn't. A blue moon is rare. And therefore should be appreciated.

I was staring up at it and the only thing that I could think about was the next time I'd see a blue moon. 2015 I'll be 19 years old. I'll be out of high school. And that's so strange to think about. The next time I lay my eyes on the second full moon of the month, I'll be a completely different person.

I'm sad not very many people appreciated the blue moon like I did. I mean, sure, it was just an average moon but to think that not even my science loving of a friend could appreciate how special it truly was.

Well,moon. You were special to me.



 

Too Tired To Miss You Properly

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now. But I'm not. I keep stalling and getting distracted like normal teenagers do. I call it the Facebook Syndrome....you go on it to check something and the next thing you know you're clicking on profiles left and right.

I haven't heard from this person in a while
I wonder how he's doing
Wow, it's his birthday? I can't believe it-
I didn't realize this guy was so funny...

I stumbled upon her page. And boy, do I miss her. She was putting up a post talking about how much she misses summer, I'm thinking in my head how much I miss her.

School's been going by generally fast. I'm sort of just going through the motions hoping to make it by. But I can't help but slow down for a bit and think about the days when school was an adventure, not a chore. When I couldn't wait to get home to do my homework and I actually had time to read a book. When my friends were my battery that kept me going, and not just mere pictures posted up on Facebook...

I know, I sound like one of those creeps that spends more time looking at other people's lives on Facebook than making one of my own, and that's more or less true. Look, I'm not trying to come off as some psychologically messed up nostalgic freak. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down. Someone needs to listen to me...

Life is going too fast. We're 16 years old and all we can think about is derivatives and college and SATS and band. Stop! Please, just stop. For once just literally stop to smell the fucking roses. No, that doesn't mean go do pot and get high! It means stop to breathe. This is supposedly the time of our lives and after high school we're considered adults. We have to pay taxes and people start getting married and before we know it we're going to be 33 years old with a quarter of our lives over with a baby in a crib. I don't want my life to fly past on Facebook. I don't. I miss her. I miss her so much. She was the closest thing I ever had to a best friend and she's gone. All three of them are gone. I just wish people would see that it's not our grades or our sleep that's so precious, it's our friends. In two years I may never see any of them again. And I can't accept that.

Not yet.